Liles Law's Valentine's Day Contract

A memorandum of understanding between two loved ones covering the terms and conditions of a romantic Valentine's Day date.

WHEREAS, inviting party would most earnestly, and with all due respect, request invited party to attend and participate in a Romantic Valentine's Day Date, subject to the following terms and conditions.

WHEREAS, the two signatories are either married, dating, "seeing each other", "planning on hooking up", or otherwise romantically entwined; this memorandum of understanding sets forth conditions that have been mutually agreed-upon by both parties regarding the events to unfold on Valentine's Day, the 14th day of February, in the year 2018.

The parties hereby agree to be mutually bound by the following:

  1. inviting party shall be responsible for the reservation of a table at a mutually-agreeable restaurant, a task which should certainly have been completed long before the execution of this contract, but probably was not.
  2. Should said reservations fall short of invited party's expectations, invited party shall not declare the evening to be instantly and indelibly "ruined". Such short-comings could include (but are not limited to): [a] The time of the reservation being cartoonishly divorced from the generally accepted dining hour, [b] The restaurant not being even generously describable as in any way "romantic", [c] The parties finding themselves seated at a "family-style" eight-person table with strangers.
  3. At the commencement of the date in question, inviting party shall provide invited party with flowers and chocolates, neither of which shall be easily procured from a nearby gas station.
  4. During the course of the date in question, should either of the parties observe an attractive person who is not a signatory to this memorandum, they should not prolong their gaze, nor engage in any distracted behavior or "rubber-necking"; but rather, with steely resolve, return their attention to the counter-party, and sustain sufficient eye-contact so as to be convincing about it.
  5. During dinner, inviting party should refrain from discussing the minutiae of any and all fantasy sports leagues. In exchange for this covenant, invited party agrees to pretend to be interested in all other sports-related topics.
  6. Upon conclusion of date, neither inviting party nor invited party are obligated beyond a respectful and courteous kiss; however, any half-measures such as a "cheek peck" or a "one-armed hug" will not be tolerated and will be interpreted as a breach of this contract.